backbytes

Happy days are hehe-here again

2008-07-22T09:59:30Z

The formula for proving that 20 June is scientifically the happiest day of the year - O + (NxS) + Cpm/T + He - has elicited its first response.
It has come from the extremely dubiously-monickered Prof Rob Bish, but we're willing to forgive him such a blatant attempt at subterfuge because he reckons there is an error in the formula which clearly improves upon the original nonsense.
"The formula shows the need for three ingredients," he says. "Plenty of fresh air, a nice cup of tea and a good laugh."
The good professor explains the formula thus: O = oxygen and (NxS) = in excess - plenty of fresh air.
Cp = cup, m = nice, /T = per tea - nice cuppa tea.
And the good laugh? He, claims the formula, should read He3, as in he he he.
More ideas please. Oh, and two sugars in our cuppa.

Tinkle, tinkle little star

2008-07-22T09:58:26Z

We've often been accused of taking it, but now Nasa is requesting it: Hurry, because until 31 July the Johnson Space Centre in Houston is requesting that its workers donate urine, reports the Daily Telegraph.
As part of its struggle to create the perfect space lavatory, the centre needs eight gallons of urine every day.
The result of the research, though not the urine donated, will be onboard the Orion space capsule which will be in space for six months.
You can see the importance of the research - crossing your legs simply isn't an option in those big chunky space suits.
In case you're thinking of donating, the internal memo warns donors not to drink too much to produce urine, no matter how helpful they want to be, because that dilutes the urine.
Also make it fresh: "Unlike in the doctor's office, you do not need to worry about starting collection midstream," the memo states. "Our testing will be much more accurate if you collect as much of the entire urination as possible, including the beginning."

Claim authority, usurp your boss

2008-07-22T09:57:22Z

Is it that time of year already? Indeed it is. The sun comes out and it's dodgy survey time!
Thanks to Planet Recruit for: "Can you beat the boss? 90 per cent of IT professionals think they can".
"A survey of 500 jobseekers has found that 62 per cent of people think they could do a better job than their boss," it says. "This figure rose to as much as 90 per cent among technology candidates."
The release gives us a three-point plan to ease the frustration. You need to volunteer for extra work, be flexible in the work you take on, and (you guessed it) maybe look for another job using a job board.
It strikes us that the first two suggestions are exactly what an incompetent boss would want you to do.
Don't be a defeatist. If you're really smarter than your boss, our three pieces of advice are: 1: Make clever comments in meetings that he doesn't understand; 2: Systematically bad-mouth him to senior management; 3: When things go wrong for him, suggest that he uses the job board instead.

Cod-forsaken

2008-07-22T09:56:33Z

We asked for your ideas on the games codpiece.
"After reports that the size of the games codpiece project had been overestimated due to flamboyant advertising, it was put forward for a more realistic appraisal," says Marianne Mollett at Griffith Elder & Co.
"Financial backers, having assessed the level of support required, are now confident that they can massage the figures to provide the necessary levels.
"It should, however, be noted that such manipulation of the project may lead to a premature peak in performance followed by a downturn in interest." Ouch.

Private eyes

2008-07-22T09:55:24Z

Owr Kernewek ("Polperro's only jewellery shop") contacts us to reassure us over Polperro's recent disagreement on whether there should be a private area set up for local business, to keep criticism of local shops away from prying eyes.
"It has nothing to do with the local business majority, who openly voted a big fat NO!" we hear. "The resulting secret squirrel business group actually only attracted three people. Please do be nice to the Polperro shopkeepers though... we're a really nice, friendly bunch."
Indeed we will, and if we want some jewellery when we visit, there's only one place we would go. And only one place we could go, come to think of it.

Getting down to bras tacks

2008-07-15T09:43:12Z

More about the games bra, which has inspired John Hamling at P N Lee.
"I was concerned about the speculation that the games bra may go bust so I made further investigations.
"While initially the bra project was strapped for cash a financial institution eventually stepped in to help. Even though the backers were AA-rated, there was concern their input would be too small, but as long as the managers were able to keep abreast of the finances it was considered enough to fully support the project."
So far no one has tried puns based on the games codpiece that we suggested last week. Go on, you know you want to.

Cuddly confusion

2008-07-15T09:42:14Z

The sat nav teddy doesn't fill John Rutter at Smart421 with joy. We suggested last week it should be programmed to say "oops, sorry" in case of right-left confusion, but he doesn't think that goes far enough.
"I think there may be a better alternative," he says.
Sat Nav Teddy: Turn next left.
Driver: Starts indicating.
Sat Nav Teddy: Your other left.
He does not, however, recommend an argumentative teddy: "I said turn left; do as I tell you, don't you ever listen?"
To retain traditional British driving conditions, we suggest Sat Nav Teddy could be adjusted to say: "Admit it, you're lost. Why don't you just stop and ask someone for directions?"

Time to back pedal on footsie

2008-07-15T09:41:15Z

"I agree with John Froggitt when he suggests the addition of foot controls to the normal Qwerty keyboard," says Paul Ireland at UX Online, and he doesn't want the innovation to stop there.
"Recently I visited the Thursford Collection in Norfolk where I saw somebody playing a Wurlitzer organ. This magnificent instrument has three rows of keyboards for the hands plus one that is operated by the feet. The organist can choose which notes are played by each keyboard via switches on the console."
There were, he says, "legs and arms flying everywhere with the player shifting from side to side on their bench, a work of art in itself. Imagine this in the office, no longer would people be able to doze off at their keyboards, or sit there pretending to be typing."
Not so good in economy class, though.

Squeaky clean

2008-07-15T09:39:43Z

For those of you for whom the keyboard should be a no-go zone, JA Pollock points out that there are already plenty of opportunities to use our feet. So we direct you to www.fentek-ind.com/nh-mouse.htm.
"Avoid carpal tunnel syndrome and mouse induced repetitive stress injury associated with desktop mice. The NoHands Mouse eliminates stress on the delicate hand-wrist area by moving mouse control to the feet," it says.
To which JA responds: "I wonder if they can cope with the sort of extreme environment you can find under the desk - lunch detritis, mouldy bananas."
Combine it with a vacuum cleaner, they would be on a winner.

Silly in Scilly

2008-07-15T09:38:53Z

For those of you who believe our reporting from Polperro doesn't, literally, go far enough, we bring you interesting recruitment news from the Isles of Scilly.
St Mary's airport has been advertising for a new air traffic controller - in Braille. The job requires excellent vision (there's a lot of fog in the Scilly Isles), but if you want to get an application form for the £36,000 salary, Braille is available.

Mind your rep

2008-07-15T09:37:25Z

From the Backbytes blog, we bring Peter Baker's attempt to place an order over the phone.
Peter: Can I have a quote for 10 for immediate delivery and 100 to follow later?
Sales rep: There is a minimum order quantity of 1,000 and they are on a 12-week lead time.
Peter: If I order 1,000, when can you get me 10?
Sales rep: We will deliver the 1,000 in one go when they are built.
Peter: How many do you have in stock?
Sales rep: 500.
Peter: Can I have an immediate part delivery of 100 against my order of 1,000?
Sales rep: No. We will only deliver in multiples of 1,000.
Luckily Peter got through to a technical rep, who sent him the 100 as samples. "I have since done several £100,000 of business with the company, but the sales team are puzzled as to why they keep getting orders via this particular technical rep," he says.

When staff should get the stack

2008-07-08T10:54:39Z

As we all know, IT security is a problem that hardware and software alone can't solve. You also need a brain.
"I used to work for a large credit reference agency based in the East Midlands," says Gordon McIntosh at T-Systems.
"I had a team-mate who had risen to a fairly high technical position thanks to the company policy of promoting those who had been there longest.
"One morning she showed concern at a large stack of floppy disks balancing precariously on my desk. She was concerned that by stacking so many floppy disks together I was in danger of propagating a virus through the stack."

Storm brewing on the Cornish coast

2008-07-08T10:53:39Z

Shocking news reaches us from the soap opera capital of Cornwall, Polperro, via our correspondent Kerry Hoskin of the Plymouth Marine Laboratory.
"There's been trouble brewing on the Polperro forums," he says.
"It started when the web master asked whether there should be a private area set up for local business, as some businesses have had a bit of criticism on the open forum. After a 26-to-nil poll against the idea, the webmaster did it anyway. He then pulled the poll and any thread criticising his decision. Worse was to come as he's now pulled the whole forum."
The moral: if you go to Polperro, be nice to the shopkeepers; they have friends in high places. More next week. If anything happens, that is.

Calling time

2008-07-08T10:52:31Z

Parents say the funniest things, continued.
"Many years ago I bought one of the early BBC Micros," remembers Grant Bowgen at WDM. "By the time I'd set it up it was about 10pm and I turned
on the TV, turned on the computer and... if you remember the first BBC Micros you can guess: nothing.
"Helpfully my mum wondered: 'Will they still be broadcasting at this time of night?'"

Foot pedals idea kicked into touch

2008-07-08T10:50:52Z

After our reader last week suggested foot pedals for people who didn't like the funny keys around the edge of the keyboard, several of our readers wrote to tell him exactly where he could put his caps lock key.
"I think that the use of foot pedals for Shift, Ctrl and Alt is opening the helpdesk to many potential problems with mobile workers forgetting the pedals when they move from place to place, and people getting pedals in the wrong order," says Mark Evans.
"Let's have the courage of our convictions and remove the keyboard in its entirety and rely on voice recognition in Vista. Judging by most work-related documents I've seen over the years, some of the Vista voice recognition quirks of translation would easily pass under the radar."
Teresa Ward at Schoolbacs suggests: "The 'Caps Lock Hitters' could learn to type. Visiting bbc.co.uk/schools/typing should give them something to do instead of dreaming up mad solutions. If a group of seven-year-olds can learn to touch-type using this program, so should your readers." You don't know our readers, Teresa.
"John Foggett's idea for foot switches might have worked in the good old days, when energy was plentiful and cheap, but not any more," points out Graham Stone. "I only have two feet, and they're far too busy working the treadle that powers the computer and my low-energy office light."