Forum is past-y its sell-by date
More news from Polperro. Steve Woods writes to tell us that the web site's private forums have been closed for good.
As those of you who have been following the debate will recall, there has been some controversy over the opinions expressed by local shopkeepers.
A request that they comment only using their real names caused the forums to close when several of them pointed out that it would be impossible to police.
We're doing our bit for the local economy by pointing out, on Steve's request, the address of another forum about Polperro: http://tinyurl.com/6rgqla.
As tourists, we probably won't be following them because they don't have the pictures of lorries stuck between houses and headlines such as: "Good News! Polperro Post Office not on closures list" that so distinguish www.polperro.org.
Codpiece feels the squeeze
Back to the question that everyone's asking this week: namely, further discussion of the video game codpiece.
"I'm sure I'm not the first person to ask, but does it come with its own knob, or do you have to fit one yourself?" asks Scott Doughty.
Chris Dibbs adds: "Not sure which game this would be suitable for; I may feel a little violated if Mario or Sonic was to give me a squeeze."
We're sure it would all be necessary for the gameplay.
Go slow
Our old mate Martin Williams who, since he left Powys County Council has not been in touch much, raises important questions about Peter Baker, our reader who wanted 10 products, but was told he had to order 1,000, and was then told he couldn't have any because there were only 500 in stock.
"The company could only deliver multiples of 1,000, but 500 took three months to make? What the hell is this product?" asks Martin.
That's about five a day. We have the mental image of an assembly line running very, very slowly.
What's in a name?
Paul Starbrook at Supake is fuming about BT - specifically BT's security enhancements that prevent small business customers sending email using their own domain name.
"Yes, there are ways around this, for example, use another ISP SMTP service, a local SMTP server, Microsoft Exchange and so on, but most of these tend to confuse some users or are simply too expensive for small businesses or one-man-bands," he says.
"Recently, BT is now blocking outgoing email on Port 25! Hasn't that been the SMTP standard used since - well as far as email became popular? I expect to be able to use whoever I want for my outgoing email and not to have to use an anonymous and very unprofessional-looking joe@btconnect.com style address. Does anyone else feel this way?"
Well, that's the question. Let us know.
SAP happy with sweet 16?
Rarely does a press release cross our desk with a revelation as important as the news this week that SAP is the 16th best large workplace in Europe, according to The Great Place to Work (which, they remind us, is a registered trademark) Institute.
The press release also drops the bombshell that SAP Labs India is not only "one of the top 50 best workplaces in the country across various industry sectors", but that SAP Mexico "was ranked as number 22 overall" in that country's "The Companies Everybody Wants to Work For" league table. So, not quite everybody, then.
Are we missing something here? If it was in the top three we could understand, but SAP seems delighted with being only 16th best.
Is that the limit of its ambitions and, if not, can any SAP moles out there tell us what it needs to do to climb higher up the ladder.
On a similar note, could anyone from the Great Place to Work Institute tell us if the Great Place to Work Institute is a great place to work, and why?
Pants, mon
Steve Lyons contacts us, amused to find that he keeps making the predictive text error of "pants" instead of "Scots".
The potential for offence, real or imagined, is barely scratched by this revelation, so we'd like you to explore it further.
This can't be the worst predictive error? Only you can tell us.
Happy days are hehe-here again
The formula for proving that 20 June is scientifically the happiest day of the year - O + (NxS) + Cpm/T + He - has elicited its first response.
It has come from the extremely dubiously-monickered Prof Rob Bish, but we're willing to forgive him such a blatant attempt at subterfuge because he reckons there is an error in the formula which clearly improves upon the original nonsense.
"The formula shows the need for three ingredients," he says. "Plenty of fresh air, a nice cup of tea and a good laugh."
The good professor explains the formula thus: O = oxygen and (NxS) = in excess - plenty of fresh air.
Cp = cup, m = nice, /T = per tea - nice cuppa tea.
And the good laugh? He, claims the formula, should read He3, as in he he he.
More ideas please. Oh, and two sugars in our cuppa.
Tinkle, tinkle little star
We've often been accused of taking it, but now Nasa is requesting it: Hurry, because until 31 July the Johnson Space Centre in Houston is requesting that its workers donate urine, reports the Daily Telegraph.
As part of its struggle to create the perfect space lavatory, the centre needs eight gallons of urine every day.
The result of the research, though not the urine donated, will be onboard the Orion space capsule which will be in space for six months.
You can see the importance of the research - crossing your legs simply isn't an option in those big chunky space suits.
In case you're thinking of donating, the internal memo warns donors not to drink too much to produce urine, no matter how helpful they want to be, because that dilutes the urine.
Also make it fresh: "Unlike in the doctor's office, you do not need to worry about starting collection midstream," the memo states. "Our testing will be much more accurate if you collect as much of the entire urination as possible, including the beginning."
Claim authority, usurp your boss
Is it that time of year already? Indeed it is. The sun comes out and it's dodgy survey time!
Thanks to Planet Recruit for: "Can you beat the boss? 90 per cent of IT professionals think they can".
"A survey of 500 jobseekers has found that 62 per cent of people think they could do a better job than their boss," it says. "This figure rose to as much as 90 per cent among technology candidates."
The release gives us a three-point plan to ease the frustration. You need to volunteer for extra work, be flexible in the work you take on, and (you guessed it) maybe look for another job using a job board.
It strikes us that the first two suggestions are exactly what an incompetent boss would want you to do.
Don't be a defeatist. If you're really smarter than your boss, our three pieces of advice are: 1: Make clever comments in meetings that he doesn't understand; 2: Systematically bad-mouth him to senior management; 3: When things go wrong for him, suggest that he uses the job board instead.
Cod-forsaken
We asked for your ideas on the games codpiece.
"After reports that the size of the games codpiece project had been overestimated due to flamboyant advertising, it was put forward for a more realistic appraisal," says Marianne Mollett at Griffith Elder & Co.
"Financial backers, having assessed the level of support required, are now confident that they can massage the figures to provide the necessary levels.
"It should, however, be noted that such manipulation of the project may lead to a premature peak in performance followed by a downturn in interest." Ouch.
Private eyes
Owr Kernewek ("Polperro's only jewellery shop") contacts us to reassure us over Polperro's recent disagreement on whether there should be a private area set up for local business, to keep criticism of local shops away from prying eyes.
"It has nothing to do with the local business majority, who openly voted a big fat NO!" we hear. "The resulting secret squirrel business group actually only attracted three people. Please do be nice to the Polperro shopkeepers though... we're a really nice, friendly bunch."
Indeed we will, and if we want some jewellery when we visit, there's only one place we would go. And only one place we could go, come to think of it.
Getting down to bras tacks
More about the games bra, which has inspired John Hamling at P N Lee.
"I was concerned about the speculation that the games bra may go bust so I made further investigations.
"While initially the bra project was strapped for cash a financial institution eventually stepped in to help. Even though the backers were AA-rated, there was concern their input would be too small, but as long as the managers were able to keep abreast of the finances it was considered enough to fully support the project."
So far no one has tried puns based on the games codpiece that we suggested last week. Go on, you know you want to.
Cuddly confusion
The sat nav teddy doesn't fill John Rutter at Smart421 with joy. We suggested last week it should be programmed to say "oops, sorry" in case of right-left confusion, but he doesn't think that goes far enough.
"I think there may be a better alternative," he says.
Sat Nav Teddy: Turn next left.
Driver: Starts indicating.
Sat Nav Teddy: Your other left.
He does not, however, recommend an argumentative teddy: "I said turn left; do as I tell you, don't you ever listen?"
To retain traditional British driving conditions, we suggest Sat Nav Teddy could be adjusted to say: "Admit it, you're lost. Why don't you just stop and ask someone for directions?"
Time to back pedal on footsie
"I agree with John Froggitt when he suggests the addition of foot controls to the normal Qwerty keyboard," says Paul Ireland at UX Online, and he doesn't want the innovation to stop there.
"Recently I visited the Thursford Collection in Norfolk where I saw somebody playing a Wurlitzer organ. This magnificent instrument has three rows of keyboards for the hands plus one that is operated by the feet. The organist can choose which notes are played by each keyboard via switches on the console."
There were, he says, "legs and arms flying everywhere with the player shifting from side to side on their bench, a work of art in itself. Imagine this in the office, no longer would people be able to doze off at their keyboards, or sit there pretending to be typing."
Not so good in economy class, though.
Squeaky clean
For those of you for whom the keyboard should be a no-go zone, JA Pollock points out that there are already plenty of opportunities to use our feet. So we direct you to www.fentek-ind.com/nh-mouse.htm.
"Avoid carpal tunnel syndrome and mouse induced repetitive stress injury associated with desktop mice. The NoHands Mouse eliminates stress on the delicate hand-wrist area by moving mouse control to the feet," it says.
To which JA responds: "I wonder if they can cope with the sort of extreme environment you can find under the desk - lunch detritis, mouldy bananas."
Combine it with a vacuum cleaner, they would be on a winner.
Silly in Scilly
For those of you who believe our reporting from Polperro doesn't, literally, go far enough, we bring you interesting recruitment news from the Isles of Scilly.
St Mary's airport has been advertising for a new air traffic controller - in Braille. The job requires excellent vision (there's a lot of fog in the Scilly Isles), but if you want to get an application form for the £36,000 salary, Braille is available.
Mind your rep
From the Backbytes blog, we bring Peter Baker's attempt to place an order over the phone.
Peter: Can I have a quote for 10 for immediate delivery and 100 to follow later?
Sales rep: There is a minimum order quantity of 1,000 and they are on a 12-week lead time.
Peter: If I order 1,000, when can you get me 10?
Sales rep: We will deliver the 1,000 in one go when they are built.
Peter: How many do you have in stock?
Sales rep: 500.
Peter: Can I have an immediate part delivery of 100 against my order of 1,000?
Sales rep: No. We will only deliver in multiples of 1,000.
Luckily Peter got through to a technical rep, who sent him the 100 as samples. "I have since done several £100,000 of business with the company, but the sales team are puzzled as to why they keep getting orders via this particular technical rep," he says.
When staff should get the stack
As we all know, IT security is a problem that hardware and software alone can't solve. You also need a brain.
"I used to work for a large credit reference agency based in the East Midlands," says Gordon McIntosh at T-Systems.
"I had a team-mate who had risen to a fairly high technical position thanks to the company policy of promoting those who had been there longest.
"One morning she showed concern at a large stack of floppy disks balancing precariously on my desk. She was concerned that by stacking so many floppy disks together I was in danger of propagating a virus through the stack."
Storm brewing on the Cornish coast
Shocking news reaches us from the soap opera capital of Cornwall, Polperro, via our correspondent Kerry Hoskin of the Plymouth Marine Laboratory.
"There's been trouble brewing on the Polperro forums," he says.
"It started when the web master asked whether there should be a private area set up for local business, as some businesses have had a bit of criticism on the open forum. After a 26-to-nil poll against the idea, the webmaster did it anyway. He then pulled the poll and any thread criticising his decision. Worse was to come as he's now pulled the whole forum."
The moral: if you go to Polperro, be nice to the shopkeepers; they have friends in high places. More next week. If anything happens, that is.
Calling time
Parents say the funniest things, continued.
"Many years ago I bought one of the early BBC Micros," remembers Grant Bowgen at WDM. "By the time I'd set it up it was about 10pm and I turned
on the TV, turned on the computer and... if you remember the first BBC Micros you can guess: nothing.
"Helpfully my mum wondered: 'Will they still be broadcasting at this time of night?'"
Foot pedals idea kicked into touch
After our reader last week suggested foot pedals for people who didn't like the funny keys around the edge of the keyboard, several of our readers wrote to tell him exactly where he could put his caps lock key.
"I think that the use of foot pedals for Shift, Ctrl and Alt is opening the helpdesk to many potential problems with mobile workers forgetting the pedals when they move from place to place, and people getting pedals in the wrong order," says Mark Evans.
"Let's have the courage of our convictions and remove the keyboard in its entirety and rely on voice recognition in Vista. Judging by most work-related documents I've seen over the years, some of the Vista voice recognition quirks of translation would easily pass under the radar."
Teresa Ward at Schoolbacs suggests: "The 'Caps Lock Hitters' could learn to type. Visiting bbc.co.uk/schools/typing should give them something to do instead of dreaming up mad solutions. If a group of seven-year-olds can learn to touch-type using this program, so should your readers." You don't know our readers, Teresa.
"John Foggett's idea for foot switches might have worked in the good old days, when energy was plentiful and cheap, but not any more," points out Graham Stone. "I only have two feet, and they're far too busy working the treadle that powers the computer and my low-energy office light."
Bear necessities
"We are very excited about the Sat Nav Teddy," says Charles Oglethorpe. You'll recall the story about the Japanese teddy that gives you directions "...but are concerned about which way the bear should face.
"Would you believe it if it is facing you and tells you to turn left but points with its right paw?"
We hope it's programmed to say "oops sorry" or it may get its stuffing extracted.
Boys' toys
"Your recent article about the bra with the built-in touch sensors used to control your computer has been a topic of discussion in the office," says Mike Edwards at Endsleigh Insurance Services.
"We thought there should also be a codpiece version so a wife or girlfriend can join in on multi-player games."
Just don't wear it to the office to control your own PC; people will talk. If you do, and your codpiece develops a technical problem, don't expect support to crawl under the desk to fix it.
Ready, teddy, go left at the junction
If you find sat nav useful, but just not cuddly enough, you'll be pleased to learn of the work of iXs Research Corporation.
We were, as it combines two of our favourite subjects - sat nav and robots.
iXs has created a talking teddy bear to help drivers navigate. It will tell you which road to take, use its little furry arms to point the way, and when you rub its little head, it will offer information about the area you're in.
And if having a soft toy telling you that you've gone the wrong way in Japanese isn't irritating enough, it's also programmed to nag you if you're driving badly. Let's hope they make them strong.
Shine on
The spectre of male pattern baldness returns to haunt Backbytes, particularly a national newspaper staffer of our acquaintance, who applied for a passport in person.
"What's that mark?" asked the clerk at passport services, pointing to his bald head.
The mark in question? The flash had bounced off his shiny dome.
Our victim was sent away to get a new picture more suitable for the era of machine-readable passports.
It's time to put your foot down
John Foggitt at SPSL returns us to one of our favourite topics: keyboard design.
He wants the almost useless Caps Lock to be moved to the function key row, or better: "We are all used to using our feet and hands at the same time for driving, so why not make keys such as Shift, Control and Alt into foot switches?
"This would mean that there would never be any need to hold two keys down at the same time and it would make typing easier. It would also eliminate the need for a Caps Lock key because resting a foot on a Shift pedal wouldn't be difficult."
Anyone have a reason why not?
The fax of life
In this week's episode of "parents do the funniest things", we bring you Jill Wiseman's mother, who was in hospital.
Jill sent her a fax one day when she was unable to visit her. Her mother was delighted with this new application of technology.
"She was so proud of her fax and thanked me for my message and said it was amazing how one of the nurses had handwriting just like mine."
Philip Ward goes back to the 1980s for a conversation with his stepmother and grandmother. His colour TV was broken so he had replaced it with a small portable black-and-white.
"I was recording a show to video tape and my stepmother asked: 'Won't the recording be in black and white?' I explained that the TV was merely an output device and that the colour signal into a colour video recorder would result in a colour recording.
To which my grandmother responded: 'But won't the image on screen be smaller when the colour TV's fixed?'"
NVQ? Stands for not very quick
Michael Raven at East Riding of Yorkshire Council is disqualified from our competition because he isn't a father or a mother, but having incriminated himself we feel obliged to tell his story.
"When studying for my NVQ in IT at college, one assignment needed a 'no smoking' sign printing out in colour. Not having a colour printer at home, I visited the library where I was directed to a particular PC to print from," he says.
"I looked at the unfamiliar printer for a good 10 minutes attempting to find where to slide in the paper, until I discovered it was actually a flatbed scanner."
Good to see that NVQs are driving up standards.
Bust-up
Neil Gregory wants to discuss our recent story of the bra with the built-in touch sensors wired to a video game, so that one player can control the game by squeezing the other player's boobs.
Neil wants to know: "If sales are poor, will the manufacturer go bust?"
Crossed line
This week's support call comes from Bob Ballard.
"I was once called by an executive's PA to be told that the telephone on his desk was on the wrong side of the PC base unit and what could be done about it."
