Do not pass, do not collect $200
Our road signs odyssey takes us, for the final time this year, to the US, where Michael Strelitz reminds us that ‘there is one common sign I have never seen obeyed’. The sign in questions says: ‘Do Not Pass’.
At Siemens Industrial Turbines, Tony Kerry is just one more reader confused by motorway signs.
‘Can someone tell me why they put the “No services on motorway” on the motorway, when it is too late to do anything about it, and not before you join it?’
As the sign should say: whatever you do, don’t turn round and drive back down the slip road.
Four-letter words
Our suspicion that the debate on the extended three letter abbreviation (or ETLA) could get complicated proves correct.
As you will recall, we are running short of addressable space for TLAs, there being only 17,000 of them, and a need for at least 10 times that amount of abbreviated gibberish by 2010. We are being approximate with the figures and dates, because – unlike in the rest of Computing – we make the figures up on the spur of the moment.
Anyway, Tim Franks at Dukesbridge Chambers suggests that the ETLA should perhaps be named the four-letter abbreviation.
The problem with this is that it is now an FLA. Which has, you note, three letters.
Crash test dummy
Which brings us to a little Christmas pedantry. Last week we sugsted that thanks to the confusion over CBT, you might turn up to your computer-based training thinking you were taking a motorcycle test.
But: ‘If one turned up for a Microsoft Office 7 training session wearing a crash helmet, the first question would probably more likely be: “Why are you wanting to learn about an 11-year-old version of MS Office?”,’ points out Antony Hawkins at the University of Sheffield (where nitpickers watch for people who miss the ‘200’ off the front of ‘2007’).
‘That would be quickly followed by “Did you pay real money for this course?” and “Would you be interested in OS/2 training, for only an extra £1,000 cash?”’ he adds.
You could cover your embarrassment of course by admitting that you are late because you did not know how to set up an alert in Outlook.
Hans up
At Backbytes we are very much against the ridiculous racial tokenism that means that when we talk to an Indian call centre, the person at the other end is obliged to use an obviously fake English name.
So we are delighted to find out that when we called Dell’s technical support last week, the man we were speaking to with the strong Indian accent did not affect an English name. We were, he announced, speaking with ‘Hans’.
Bully for bili
Meanwhile, at Altimus, Richard Rose has no time for this sort of frivolity. His is measured not in years, but in fractions of a second.
‘Reading last week’s Dilbert, in which the pointy-haired boss is told that frillion is not a number, reminded me of the new Microsoft unit of time,’ he says,
‘In the C# SQL DateTime object, you can have time measured to the bilisecond.’
He looked up the definition in Microsoft Books Online: ‘bilisecond: An integer value representing the bilisecond (billionth of a second) of the new SqlDateTime structure.’
Which, as you are already shouting at us, is not a bilisecond at all.
‘Assuming they mean 1/10^9 seconds, then the unit of time has an international standard name already – the nanosecond,’ says Rose. ‘In the unlikely event that they are using the old British definition of a billion (10^12), then the unit 1/10^12 seconds is a picosecond.’
Or, he offers a more contextual definition: a nanosecond is ‘about the time it takes to realise that you didn’t mean to irretrievably delete all that data.’
But Microsoft is saying nothing about that one.
Away in a manger
Richard Norman writes from Chippenham to point out that his wife shreds old copies of Computing, which is apparently very useful for her horses’ bedding.
We hope that if there was to be a second coming of the Christ child it would happen in a stable in Chippenham, because then the baby could be born with Backbytes for a bed.
Failing that, we hope that in 2007, as in 2006, your domestic animals continue to achieve happiness by relieving themselves on us.
Happy New Year.
International sign language
We hope our coverage of the world’s road signs is encouraging you to drive safely. Martin Williams at Powys City Council writes with more evidence of the very useful road sign policies from India.
In Assam, he spotted: ‘Horn do’, ‘No whisky no risky’, ‘No race no hell’, ‘For safe arriving, no liquor’ and ‘When driving if married, divorce speed’.
His favourite, and we think ours, is 16,000 feet up in the mountains of Kashmir on the way to the holy site of Amarnath.
At the highest point of the Viper Path, oxygen-starved pilgrims come across a sign that simply says: ‘Relax’.
Hold your horses
Meanwhile, the UK policy on road signs is not quite so sensible. ‘The slip road off the M60 at Junction 8 prohibits pedestrians, horse-drawn vehicles and cycles leaving the motorway,’ says Jerry Armitage at Halifax.
‘I assume that if your mode of transport is one of these, you have no choice but to stay on the motorway until the next junction. It causes me no end of trouble at Junction 7 queued up behind the Yorkshire-to-Sale stagecoach.’
Tangled up in Bluetooth
Last week we discussed the possibility of a Bluetooth pencil to put behind your ear. That is so you do not look like an idiot while shouting into your mobile phone and instead look like a useful member of society, albeit one who walks around talking to themselves with a pencil behind their ear.
Stephen Williams at Alizian thinks that we are missing a trick when it comes to Bluetooth disguises.
‘How about manufacturers designing something that can be built into spectacle frames?’ he asks, though he does accept that they would have to be a heavily masculine variety of the sort popularised by Brains from Thunderbirds.
If you are looking for something a little more feminine, he also suggests Bluetooth earrings. Surely he is not the first person to have this idea?
Winter survival tips...
A few weeks ago we were asking for suggestions for staying happy when you arrive at work in the dark and leave in the dark. Trust us, you will be looking up your back issues of Backbytes come 2 January 2007.
Just in case we did not give you enough suggestions or – perish the thought – any sensible ones, ‘Michael H’ was kind enough to post the question on Yahoo Answers.
So if you are looking for the answers, try the
list that popped up in reply.
... in summary
If you cannot be bothered to look up the answers because you are too unhappy, we bring you just two: ‘Stop whining and deal with it,’ says Barry.
‘I find doing the things that most boys do when they are on their own helps,’ adds someone who decided to stay anonymous.
Don’t worry, there are good suggestions too.
Three little letters
Dave Jakeman last week turned out not to be the only person confused by what many three-letter abbreviations (TLAs) stand for.
As Steven Perrott points out, ICT is both Information and Communications Technology and Interactive Computer Technology. CBT is Computer Based Training, Compulsory Basic Training for motorcyclists and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Though if you turned up for your Microsoft Office 7 training session in a crash helmet, it would perhaps show that you had not read the memo closely enough.
Have any of you genuinely mistaken one of these terms? We should perhaps hand this over to some kind of naming authority under the control of the United Nations, which could give each a number (CBT1, CBT2).
Or we could upgrade TLAs so that they have four letters? A few suggestions to get the ball rolling, please.
Taking a lead role
In the 30 November edition of Computing, ‘Don’, who writes from an NHS IT helpdesk – as many of our readers seem to do these days – saw a job offered by HM Government Communications Centre, looking for ‘lead application developers’.
He writes seeking clarification, as he does not want to be involved with any government project to deliver poisonous heavy metals.
As he points out, you cannot be too sure these days.
Book early
‘My 86-year-old grandfather received a letter from the local hospital this week to say that an appointment has been arranged for him to see a specialist,’ says Andrew Tickner at Southampton Container Terminals, ‘on 12 December 2097’.
Andrew has arranged for one of his grandfather’s great-great-grandchildren to take him.
Cream crackers
More ways to usefully carry a laptop. ‘Users should create a neck sling,’ suggests Don Mitchell from ‘an NHS IT helpdesk somewhere in Middle England’.
His reasoning: ‘They could use the laptop when walking around and they could also load the keyboard with tubs of ice cream and sell them to waiting punters.’
This, we warn you, is the sort of advice you get from an NHS IT helpdesk.
eBaby
Craig Golby at Dignitas went to the hospital with his wife for her 13-week scan – and in all the excitement he forgot to ask if it was the right size. Back in the office, he decided to search Google for a web site which would tell him.
‘It confirmed that our unborn child seems to be of a healthy size,’ he says.
But he had the option, according to Google’s sponsored links, that if he wanted a different one he could have found it online.
‘13 Week Foetus,’ it says. ‘Find 13 Week Foetus. Buy 13 Week Foetus on eBay.’
We’re all ears
We’ve been asking for your ideas for innovations for the Backbytes Dragons’ Den, which, of course, exists only in our imagination. And Michael Hilton has taken up the challenge.
‘I just had a great idea which I am willing to share with the world for free,’ he says, when, of course, he really means ‘which I would be willing to share 20 per cent of for a modest investment of £50,000’.
‘We all see people going around wearing those Bluetooth gadgets on their ears, so they look like Trekkies. How about making a Bluetooth earpiece in the shape of a pencil?’ he suggests.
‘Instead of looking like a nerd, the wearer will look like a carpenter or plumber or some other useful member of society.’
Of course, you could also make one that looks like a pointy ear for those of you who think the earpieces do not look Trekkie enough.
The ex-definition of PerfectFile
Our old mate Dave Jakeman at Atos Origin is worried because he has found the definition of PerfectFile on an HP web site.
‘A file restructuring tool that automatically optimises fiber delay line (FDL) parameters, restructures recovery management support (RMS) files, and recovers wasted space, thereby freeing system managers from the tedium of performing RMS file restructuring,’ it says.
He is concerned because he thought FDL stood for File Definition Language and RMS stood for Record Management Services. It means he has been around so long that even the acronyms at work have changed their meaning.
‘Should I be worried?’ he asks. Yes, Dave.
India straits
More alarming road signs to help you on your ultimate journey, following ‘Wrong way’ last week.
‘India has the edge when it comes to road signs,’ says Martin Williams at Powys County Council. ‘The states of Kashmir and Assam excel, particularly: “Be gentle on my curves”, and “Better Mr Late than the late Mr”.’
Your shortcut to ultimate oblivion
More opinions on Antony Hawkins and the Ultimate Journey Planner software. As several of you pointed out last week, the random directions it tended to throw out would indeed create the ultimate journey.
Dr Paul Daniels at QSoft has a few design ideas: ‘It is a planner that, by default, randomly chooses a route to one’s demise but, to add a playful element of chance, it does not let you know which of the journeys it advises will be the last one.
‘This type of highly functional software usually has a hidden shortcut key that provides a set of administrative options: just untick the ‘Surprise Journey?’ checkbox and other controls will immediately become visible for those in a hurry to take the Ultimate Journey.
‘These allow selection of the manner of your passing, a specific time, or perhaps a generic definition of the event. There is also the set of slider bars on the Preferences tab of the “Going, Going, Gone” dialog box.’
