Just the job?
Reader Alan Cooper was sent a text by Reed Recruitment last week.
‘I have found a job that may interest you. Please call me to discuss it. Taya, Reed Consultant,’ it said. When he got through he found out that the job was selling mortgages on the phone in a call centre.
It was ideal for Alan, the consultant concluded, because he had call centre experience, which was why the computer, having done an automated search on ‘call centre’, had sent him the text message. Alan pointed out that, as a senior business analyst, his job was designing the call centres, not working in them.
You’ve shot the frog, now fire the muppet
‘Who wants to shoot the crazy frog?’ asks Salim Ali, at the City of York Council, which is a redundant question if ever we heard one.
But we have decided to forgive him, as he sent this link to an excellent cannon-firing game provided by the Muppets:
muppets.go.com/games/muppets-flyinggonzo.html
Mail it to my trash
We note that none of you is owning up to using the waste bin on your desktop to store data, but several of you work with people who do. Very convenient.
‘A few years ago we were using cc:Mail and were having major problems with disk space usage on the mail server,’ says David Newton, who works for Burtons Foods.
‘As a way to help this it was planned to change the settings to empty the trash every time you closed mail. However, we were told in no uncertain terms not to do this, as many people stored their messages in there, somehow not realising that a bin icon might indicate that the message was no longer needed.’
We note that David works in the ‘business intelligence team’, which seems as if it is sorely needed.
How can I destroy thee? Let me count the ways
We haven’t seen the consonant-rich name of our regular correspondent John Szwer in this column for a while. But, it being summer, he has donated this week’s complete waste of time. Pop along to http://ned.ucam.org/%7Esdh31/misc/destroy.html for a complete list of ways to destroy the Earth.
As the web site points out, it is not as easy as it seems, which explains why the prominent politicians who seem hell-bent on it have not yet been able to deliver.
Keep 'em clean
We know we said no more signs, but some notices need to be seen. Like this one, which Chris Geary found ‘in a hotel in Lowestoft we stayed in earlier in the year. It was next to the bath.’
If any resident of Lowestoft knows to which bodily part it is referring, please let us know.
A bit of culture
This week’s mouldy food comes, not surprisingly, from higher education, where Tom King, who works at Queen Mary College at the University of London, nominates his pet yoghurt, Ski.
Ski lives in the gap between the two panes of the double glazing, while he turns into something strange.
Don’t take no for an answer
This week’s company that does not understand that ‘no’ means ‘no’ is Cryoserver, the email archiving specialist.
Su Warren, at Witan Jardine Recruitment, asked online for some information on email archiving software.
‘On the web page I clicked on “No phone calls” and to be sent information by post or email,’ she says. ‘Within half an hour of registering my details, I had a salesperson on the phone, trying to arrange a meeting and demonstration that week, even though I’d said on the web site that we weren’t looking to buy for another six months.’
He didn’t get the message, and tried to call up to four times a day for the next three weeks. Meanwhile, Su has not been sent her information yet.
The error of their ways
We can’t seem to kick the habit with error messages, can we? Especially when Graham Bentley finds an error such as this one. Are they trying to make us crazy? Well, it’s working. You’ve sent so many good error messages, we’re going to have to run this one for a few weeks more, it seems.
Meanwhile, Richard Barber, at OMF International, has been trying to solve a problem with LapLink PDASync, about which he consulted the support FAQ.
‘Error Message: Unknown Error when Synchronizing with PDAsync… I get an Unknown Error message. What can I do?’ The cause is, apparently, ‘A corrupted record in your PC application. This error message is displayed when another error message would not make any sense to the end-user.’
Richard translates this as: ‘All our clients are stupid from the start.’
In the name of justice
The story of PartyGaming’s flotation, the phenomenon of internet poker, and the possibility that poker web site operators will be prosecuted in the US is interesting to everyone, and we have little to add.
Except, of course, to point out that one of the Indian computing experts behind PartyGaming.com has the excellent name Anurag Dikshit.
If this doesn’t allow him to escape prosecution – for the reason that he has already been punished enough – there really is no justice in the world.
Frogtastic fun
As you while away the long hot days until your boss comes back from holiday, why not entertain yourself by shooting the Crazy Frog? Chris Carter, at Nottingham University, found it for us: www.studentfreestuff.com/shoot_crazy_frog.
Nothing could be a more assertive statement of the fact that you are more than 14 years old.
Driving on the blind side
Let us put aside our differences over whether Backbytes can use the word ‘momentarily’ when we could – and, in your eyes, should – have said ‘soon’.
When Bret Mineart, at Suffolk Support Services Child Health Centre, lived in the US, he found a more disquieting innovation.
‘They have drive-through cash machines, so you don’t have to stop and get out of your car,’ he says. ‘One machine I used to visit had Braille next to the numbers on the keypad.’
File under W
Juan Jimenez won’t tell us which IT services company he works for, because it’s too embarrassing.
‘During a meeting with a client they told us that their Exchange Active Directory migration had some difficulties because many of their users use the waste bin as a place to file important documents,’ he says. Flummoxed, he turned to his IT manager and said: ‘Who would file their documents in the bin?’, only to be told that many of his colleagues did just that. Does anyone else file important documents in the bin? On reflection, it could give us all a lot of pleasure.
Mind-altering techniques
When ‘No’ means ‘Yes’: Brian Pull registered online with Nectar, and chose the option specifying ‘no communications by email’. So he was surprised, not delighted, to receive the following in his inbox.
‘Dear Brian, This email confirms that you have chosen not to be sent special offers, marketing and other information...’ It also has a handy button to click on, in case the giant purple email makes him slap his forehead and say: ‘My God, I never realised email could be so much fun!’
As Brian adds: ‘I have trouble with this logic – is the world going mad or just me?’ Any more companies that think ‘No’ really means the opposite?
Once bytten...
As Jan Clarke, at Manchester NHS Informatics, points out, Lego computers are pretty tame. He refers us to www.mini-itx.com/projects/gingerbreadvillage, where you can see the step-by-step way to make an edible computer.
‘Ginger is a VIA Epia 800, hard drive and power supply encased in a gingerbread village,’ it says. ‘The idea for this server “case-mod” came from two members who for some reason thought that making a gingerbread village without putting a computer inside of it was a crime against humanity.’
Can there be a weirder computer case out there? If so, we’re sure you can find it.
For your eyes only
Anyone who has been to China and found it is impossible to access the BBC web site – because the government bans it for security reasons – will be interested in the experience of Allan Gray, of Atlas Products International. He recently attended a ‘Bilateral Trade and Investment’ presentation at Manchester’s Business Link, where he had the chance to pitch his BDX secure internet data transfer service to government officials from Changzhou province in China.
Two officials asked whether anyone could see data as it passed through BDX. ‘No, it’s absolutely safe – the data can only be read by the intended recipient,’ Allan reassured them. At which point, the government officials looked disappointed, and moved on.
Food for thought?
Don’t forget to keep sending in your mouldy food pictures, because we enjoy them very much. Sadly we don’t have a picture for this story sent in by ‘an anonymous geek at the University of Salford’, which, having visited the university in question, applies to about three out of four of the students.
‘Cleaning out from under my desk, I once found a two-year-old Cornish pasty,’ says our geek friend. ‘The outer packaging was still sealed – fortunately, as the pasty had liquefied, fermented and expanded, so it was under pressure.’
God bless America – but only for a moment
We return urgently to the great debate that is currently consuming the nation: should the Backbytes column be permitted to use ‘momentarily’ to mean ‘shortly’?
‘The most confusing use of "momentarily" I have heard was an announcement while waiting on a plane at a US airport,’ says Andy Tribble, at the AGA Group.
‘When they say "the plane will take off momentarily", all the Brits worry about when it comes down again.’
Robin Jones, at the Institution of Analysts and Programmers, adds: ‘It’s not fair to blame the Americans: they’re doing their best. After all, it was George W Bush himself who wished, in a speech last January, for a more "literate and hopefuler America".’
If it’s good enough for you
Last week we passed on details of Jon Dron’s Excel error message, which read simply ‘not enough’.
‘There is nothing about Jon’s Excel message to suggest it is an error message, says Chris Harris, at STL. ‘It would appear to be purely informational, pointing out his inadequacy.’ Ouch.
This might worry some employees of the Co-op. Simon Whight, for example, has been receiving the same error message and he works in the Co-operative Group Pensions Department. It is unclear whether the message refers to Simon, his Excel setup or the pension fund as a whole.
And Antony Hawkins, at the University of Sheffield, does have enough, it seems. He has exactly the right number of files but just cannot copy them.
‘Had Windows refused to copy a file because the file didn’t exist, I would have understood,’ he says.
Meanwhile, Andrew Carpenter’s boss at Cirencester College was trying to manage a dying NetWare server using NetWare Administrator and NDS Manager. ‘He received the message: An undocumented error has occurred. Please see the documentation.’
Here it cams again
Many of you are having fun pointing your webcams at the screen of your PC and sending us the results, which delights us. Next month we shall print a picture of a shiny object to distract you from your work.
Jason Bramsden, at Catalyst, provides this elegant image. As several of you have noted, under the correct conditions the effect has something in common with the titles of the recently revived Doctor Who.
‘Jake’, who works in a city council but doesn’t want us to identify which one, is really into this idea. ‘I have often wondered what would happen if I connected the video-out on my graphics card to the video-in on my video capture card,’ he says. ‘I daren’t try it because l fear it may create a rift in space-time.’
Which goes to show how powerful local government is these days.
The wees of the bus go round and round
Normally we would prefix this kind of story with the words, only in America. But this time it is us Brits forging ahead with the innovative and potentially very rewarding research.
The Guardian reports that bus company Stagecoach is researching how to reduce pollution emissions, by fitting a bus with a tank containing… sheep urine.
The urine is refined into pure urea, which is then sprayed into exhaust fumes. It reacts with the emissions of nitrous oxide and converts them to nitrogen gas and water, which is released as steam.
We at Backbytes are right behind any bright ideas to collect sheep urine for this purpose – just not too closely behind.
Signs of intelligent life
Those road signs keep on coming, even though we officially discouraged them. We are just not strict enough on you
these days.
‘There’s a sign near me for Plantazia Nursery – mail order only,’ says Stephen Williams, at Alizian. We suggest climbing into a giant Jiffy bag if you want to be served.
‘I was driving through Sheffield, just past the football ground, and noticed two signs. One said: "Children", pointing to the right, and the other said: "Adults", pointing to the left, says Nathan Davies, at WMS.
‘What happens to those cars with adults and children in them? And why do children need road signs anyway? They can’t drive.’
Pasta la vista baby
We kick off our investigation into what lurks in your fridge with this beautiful picture of some bright blue mould growing on some pasta.
‘I hope you will enjoy the enclosed picture of blue pasta found in the first floor fridge as much as we did. Its true owner was never identified,’ says Linnet Evans, at NDS Chandlers Ford.
Keep those pictures coming. There is a prize for the worst one.
Sounds like just the job
The IT Job Board has some interesting advice if you are searching for a job. In its help page, on the subject of how to enter search strings, reader Michael Mertens notes the advice on how to use the OR operator: ‘eg VB OR Delphi,’ it says. ‘This will return all adverts that contain either the word Solaris or HPUX in any part of the advert.’
Another day in robot paradise
Last month we brought you robot dogs playing football, this week we bring you robots that might actually be of some use.
The Prototype Robot Exhibition in Japan demonstrated robots that can play the drums and even do stand-up comedy – although not necessarily at the same time. So does this mean we can dispense with Jim Davidson and Phil Collins?
I name that tune in Obi-one
Don’t show this item to people outside the IT business: it is bad for our image.
‘A user pointed out this morning that an HP LaserJet 5000 printing in duplex sounds like Luke Skywalker’s theme from Star Wars,’ says Simon Whitley, at North Wales Newspapers.
Go on, try it, but don’t tell anyone you heard it from us.
The painful truth
If anyone doubts the educational content of Backbytes, and frankly you’re not wrong to do so, Graham Bell has an informative follow-up to our piece last week on testing hot water.
‘You can test too-hot water without getting scalded because of the resulting thermal gradient. When you put your finger into hot water the outer surface of the skin and the water it is in direct contact with immediately come to a temperature approximately halfway between the two,’ he says.
Can you tell he studied this at university? Hang on, there’s more.
‘Then it takes time for heat to flow and for the temperature of the surface of your skin to rise towards that of the more massive water; the further below the skin surface the longer it takes the temperature to rise.
‘If you have a thermometer, try this: run a bowl of water and make it hot enough that you can comfortably immerse your hand for a few seconds but not indefinitely and then measure the temperature. You may be surprised how little above normal blood temperature it is.’
Graham tested this by making other students stick their fingers in very hot water. In a civilised society, you are punished for such behaviour. However, Graham received a degree.
Off your food?
You might think that making pretty pictures with a webcam is very silly. In which case, you might prefer our second idea: why not clean out your office fridge?
Richard Mansell, at Microlise Group, just took on the job for his support department. ‘The most awful item was someone’s leftover casserole - it seemed to be half-food, half-mould. Maybe it would kill you then cure you?’
Sounds like this is a good metaphor for IT support. So if you have any really unpleasant objects in your fridge, please send photographic evidence. The most appalling picture, provided it meets our low standards of hygiene, will receive something pleasant to put in their fridge.
You’re on candid webcam
At this time of year, we look for ways to entertain you during the long summer nights. Well, the long summer afternoons after lunch.
‘Just in case there are people out there who haven’t had fun for a while, try this. If you have a webcam, have you tried turning it to point at the computer screen?’ asks Peter Hemington, at Friends Provident. ‘Hold it still or move it very slowly, and then see the results. Perhaps readers could send in the best image captured in such a manner?’
Well, you heard the man. We’re looking for more than the average amount of creativity, but we know you’re up to the task.
Sign reading or mind reading?
Just a few more signs: ‘There is an outback town in Australia called Julia Creek. It has a very broad main street.
A sign at the side of the road advises: “Angle Parking”. Now, is that any angle?’ asks Nigel Bicknell, at Abbott Laboratories.
‘On the subject of strange and irrelevant signs I would like to know if anyone has an explanation for the purpose of the sign I saw at the roadside the other day: “Psychic Fair here 17 June”?’ says Mark Harrison. ‘Surely it’s unnecessary?’ he asks.
Lego-up on Meccano workstations
On the subject of PC cases made from Lego, we are delighted to receive our first submission from someone at the company we now call Lenovo. It is, as we are often told at Computing, a global world these days.
‘The loonies are still alive and well,’ says Tom Adams. ‘Interestingly, it’s close to reality, as a few years back one of our development teams came to us with a PC in a plastic case that held all the bits in place with custom-shaped bits of foam plastic. It was cheap and robust, but after several months' work by our engineering teams we couldn’t get it to even come close to meeting EMC or fire safety regulations.
In a strange case of parallel development, the HP workstation team was working on a similar unit at the same time, but with a steel case.’ Presumably, that one was made out of Meccano.
That’s a lot of hair-splitification
We note you are nit-picking in a friendly fire sort of way, over the use of the word ‘momentarily’ in last week’s column.
‘I see the Yanks have invaded Backbytes. Is nothing sacred?’ says Rob Clack. ‘In this country, the term “momentarily” means “for a brief moment”, rather than the more vulgar “any moment now” commonly used across the pond. Do try to keep up.’
Jim Davies asks: ‘Can you stick to real English, please?’
We’re not sorry. Come and have a go if think you’re hard enough. Meanwhile, we’re off to imagineer the rest of this week’s column.
Full immersion
We are still worried about hot water, and with good reason. ‘The hot tap in our men’s toilets has a sign saying “Warning: This water is very hot. Test temperature before immersing”. This raises the question of how you do this without getting scalded,’ says Peter Wyatt, at Essex County Council. If Peter invites you into the loo for a second to help him out, don’t go.
A life of grime
Simon Bullough, at Attwater & Liell, has been reading the scary information that hospital computer keyboard and fans might be spreading MRSA around wards. MRSA from computers obviously concerns the British Medical Association enough that they have a spokesman to comment on the issue. His name, Simon notes, is Dr Paul Grime.
Safe as houses
IT security is jolly important, especially protecting your identity, and that’s why you all want to know more about it.
‘For a government home security site, www.itsafe.org.uk is a good idea,’ says Richard Price, at Stadium Group. ‘But why does it allow users to give out personal email addresses and mobile phone numbers “in the clear” when subscribing to the alerts service?’ We’re sure someone with a Russian accent will be calling you momentarily to explain why.
Take your time
When we invited more nitpickers, we could not have hoped for a better starter than the email from Mike Edwards, at Theos Software.
‘I nominate the Windows message “This may take some time”,’ he says. Seems innocent enough. ‘No. This definitely will take some time. What is uncertain is exactly how much time it will take.’ Gosh. Oh hang on, there’s more. ‘Everything takes some time to run, especially in Windows. Let’s face it, it takes some time just to display the message box to tell me it’s going to take some time, so even if the underlying action that we're getting a warning about was to take virtually no time at all, it would still be some time,’ he says, which makes us want to print the entire quote in italics.
‘In second place I nominate “Unexpected Error”, which sort of implies that some errors are expected,’ he adds with a flourish.
Stars in their eyes
Last week we published Matthew Justice’s problems with the retailer who kept sending him his numeric password with two digits starred ‘for security’.
‘My thanks to Matthew Justice. I worked out his password by a process of elimination and have now completed my collection of Bruce Springsteen CDs,’ says Andrew Rice. ‘Only kidding.’
We’re not sure if he was kidding about the Springsteen collection or the password, but we feel it is time to remind Matthew to change his password.
Which leads us into urban myth territory: ‘I believe this story has become an urban myth but it did, in fact, happen,’ says Gordon Dale. ‘It reminds me of an incident on a gas compressor site... I was asked by an operator for the password to an engineering station, which he had no access rights to.’ Gordon, of course, refused the request. ‘Eventually the operator watched me enter the password. Having secured the password, he whispered to a colleague: “I know the password, it’s four stars”.’
Last ibis standing
Finally, back to appropriate animals to be used as mascots for IT staff, we are delighted to see that the Association for Project Management has launched a logo based on the ibis.
‘The ibis was selected because it is the last animal to run for cover when trouble looms,’ says Geoff Reiss, at The Program Management Group. ‘Could anything less appropriate represent a project manager?’
We’re sure you have some answers to that question.
How often do these crash?
‘I came across this web page the other day while searching for something completely unrelated,’ says Gerald Oakham, at Thatcham Medical Practice, as if he thinks we’d believe that.
But he’s big enough to share his discovery with all of us. Pop along to www.poseidonguild.com/legos/index.php and you can see Dorian’s Lego PCs. We’re wondering if any of you have enough Lego left over to build your own PC casing. If you do, let us see it.
‘What next? Etch-a-sketch TFT monitors? Stickle Brick keyboards?’ asks Gerald. We wait in anticipation of your creations. Kids these days don’t know they’re born.
